


My Way Out

by InternalFire



Category: Twenty One Pilots
Genre: I have no idea what I'm doing, M/M, joshler - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-11-30
Updated: 2017-02-01
Packaged: 2018-05-04 04:13:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 19,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5320058
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/InternalFire/pseuds/InternalFire
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Tyler Joseph is a soon to be high school graduate, with no future plan. His days are spent dragging himself through school until he can return home and sleep. Then night comes and he lies awake, plagued by his own mind. It's been like this for years. He sees no way out.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction, this is my first time posting on this site, I have no idea what I'm doing. Please share constructive criticism with me, I only strive to get better.

"Why is the night so much harder?" Tyler wondered, his hands above his head as he twisted his fingers to make shadows on the walls. He almost didn't even try to sleep anymore. he knew he'd eventually pass out and get a wink of shut eye before his day began, but he still felt like he was willingly suffering through the silence and the darkness of the nighttime when he didn't TRY. He turned in his bed, pulling the covers with him and exposing part of his body to the cold bedroom air. The clock read 2:44. Four more hours and he could take his mind off itself. Not that school was much better than the ruthless and loud   
brain the poor kid had in his head. 

He slowly sat up, peeling the covers of his bed off of him, and throwing his legs over the floor. He quietly pushed his feet into the soft carpet, careful to not wake his younger brother. He stood and bit his lip as he heard the floor creak. It wasn't uncommon for him to wander the house at night, but each and every time, he cringed at the small sounds he made. He knew he should be asleep, and he knew his family didn't understand his problems making it happen. Often enough he'd heard the words "just close your eyes and go to sleep," to know that not a single member of his family had a clue what it was like.   
Tyler made his way out of his bedroom and turned down the hall towards the stairs. Each step clicked under his weight, no matter how slow he walked, and he'd grown to learn that there was nothing he could do about it. The TV illuminated the living room as he crept passed. His father held a bowl of popcorn in his lap, and the remote under his thigh. The opening screen of a DVD repeated itself in front of him. Tyler froze at the sight of his father on the family room couch, but only for a moment. His fathers head was to the side, his mouth open, releasing a slight snore. Tyler proceeded to the kitchen, slowly moving as quietly as he could. He wasn't sure what brought him there, he wasn't sure why he had grabbed a breakfast pastry when hunger was the last thing on his mind, and he wasn't sure what he was going to do next. He spun silently in the kitchen, and started for the stairs. The television lit his way he's he mindlessly floated back to his room. Every part of him was exhausted, it almost always was, but for some reason he couldn't catch a wink of sleep at night. 

Another two hours passed, Tyler sat up in his bed, his back against the headboard. His eyes were closed, his legs were crossed, and he felt in his ears that he was drifting asleep. He didn't dare move. He didn't dare wake himself up. He let his mind get lost in the thousands of thoughts in his head, he was too tired to fight them any longer. He was too tired of trying to make sense of them. So he let himself go. 

Surely it wasn't morning yet, and surely he had more time to sleep, right? How could two hours have passed so fast? Before Tyler knew it, his father was at the door, calling for Tyler and his brother, Zack, to wake up. Zack practically jumped out of bed. He had plans to be the first of the four siblings to the bathroom, as he always was. He grabbed his clothes from the foot of his bed where he'd laid them the night before, and bolted out the door. His groggy sister stood in the hallway, spinning as he ran passed. It never failed, he called dibs. Tyler groaned and threw his hands to his face, sliding them down over his eyes. He leaned forward and stretched out his back before cracking his neck and standing himself up. He slowly shuffled to the dresser, barely opening his eyes. His wardrobe was scarcely diverse, as he almost always wore basketball shorts and a t-shirt. He never had to put much thought into his outfits. He pulled out whatever his hands touched first, moving like a snail, then dragged himself to the bathroom, where his youngest brother Jay whined at the door. Tyler leaned himself against the wall and sunk down to the floor. He stared forward, his mind elsewhere. The bathroom door swung open. 

"Stop whining, I have to look good. I have to impress the ladies." Zack said, pointing his fingers in a gun shape towards Jay, winking and smirking. 

"Ew, why would you want that?" The elementary aged boy replied, pushing Zack out of the doorway, and locking the bathroom door. Zack shook his head and strolled forward. 

"Good morning, Ty," he said, looking down to his brother and holding out his hand for a high five. 

"Morning," Tyler whispered, still half asleep. He hit his hand against his brothers and stood back up rubbing his eyes. His sister could be heard across the house, yelling to use her parents bathroom. She constantly complained that the boys took too long, but who was she to talk? He heard her grunt and stomp towards the stairs, angrily walking up. Jay opened the door and exited the bathroom. 

"Let me go first," Madison said to Tyler. 

"Ha! No." Tyler replied, closing the door to the bathroom before his sister had another chance to speak. He stripped off his sweat pants and sleep shirt. He threw on his school clothes and looked in the mirror. His eyes were dark and heavy. He could barely look at himself. He ran a brush through his hair, brushed his teeth, and sprayed himself once with an aerosol deodorant. He stumbled out of the bathroom, turning the light off on his sister. Whining, she pushed him out of the way. He smirked, and pulled himself to his room to grab a pair of socks and his backpack. He snagged his headphones and cell phone from the night stand as well. 

Mornings were hectic in the Joseph family home. Tyler was the oldest of 4, and their father worked at the school him and Zack attended. For the first years of Tyler's life, he was homeschooled. He had once been excited for public school, but those days were gone. Kids were rowdy, they were judgmental, and they were cruel. Still, he forced himself through it. He just wanted to graduate, and he was so close. Just a few more months and he was out of there for good. Not that he had any idea what he would do with himself afterwards. Zack and Tyler hopped into their fathers car, and waited for him to come outside. It was ritualistic that their father would forget something before leaving the house, and have to return to get it. So the boys waited. Zack played skee ball on his phone, while Tyler just listened to his music. He closed his eyes, hoping to rest them even a little bit more before his day began. 

The ride to school was usually short, depending on traffic, and Tyler's father usually dropped him off at the main entrance before he parked the car. Kids poured out of school buses, and clogged up the doorway to the school. Tyler was often greeted by other students, to which he would reply with a half-assed smile and a silent wave. He had friends in school, but he never quite felt like socializing. He trudged to his classroom, and fell into his seat. Throwing his head down on his desk he whispered to himself that if he could make it through the night before, he could make it through this day. And with that, he took out a pencil and started his day. 

Tyler liked learning, and he was amazingly smart. He could effortlessly complete class work, and he never misunderstood. But just a few years back, a feeling had struck him. Or well, maybe a feeling had left him, as he never really FELT like doing anything anymore. It was hard to understand. He often thought he was just being lazy, but wouldn't laziness be easier to fight than a constant weight on your back? Everything took more effort than the small boy had in him. To speak a word was to give a speech, and to take a step was to run a marathon. He longed for his bed. Yes, the bed that provided no rest. But it was there that he felt safe, it was there he felt complete, and not like a failure. 

He watched the clock tick by, each moment seeming longer than the last. Each time his heart would beat it became louder in his ears. He wanted to scream. He couldn't get himself to focus. He saw the teacher at the head of the class, pointing to the board. He saw her lips moving, but no words came out. He heard his own blood rushing through his veins and he heard each breath that he took. He closed his eyes and swallowed. Slowing his breathing he opened his eyes. The teacher was handing out paper, and his hearing slowly returned. His panic subsided. The teacher assigned the homework, and the noon bell rang, marking that the day was nearly over. Tyler carelessly threw his things into his backpack and headed to the cafeteria. He wasn't hungry but he needed to eat. Something. Anything. He followed the other students into the lunchroom, and found his two friends sitting at a table exchanging trading cards. 

"You guys are such dorks," Tyler told them, sitting at the table. 

"It's our hobby," replied Mark. 

"It's our life," added Michael. 

"Well, maybe you two should get out more then." Tyler said, laying his head down on his arms. 

"Are you okay, Ty?" Michael asked, turning to face him. 

"Just tired." 

"Another sleepless night?" Mark asked with a frown. 

"Yeah. I'll sleep after school." Tyler reassured him. 

"That's becoming your usual plan," Michael began. "We miss you, man. You always used to come over after school, but now you don't even answer the phone because you're sleeping. Do you know how annoying Mark is when there's only two of us?" 

Mark playfully hit his friend, and Tyler let out a laugh. "I'm sorry, guys. I want to, I do, and I miss you too, but I just can't get myself to wake up." Tyler said, picking up his head. 

"What do you mean? You're Awake now." Mark said. 

"Never mind." Tyler replied, and stood. "I'm going to get something to eat."   
Soon after, he returned to the table, a granola bar in hand. It wasn't much, but it was something, and it was the only thing he could get into his body without making himself sick when he was anxious. The bell rang and the three boys stood. Walking towards the door, Michael put his hand on Tyler's shoulder. 

"I'm worried about you Tyler." He said, the look of clear concern on his face. 

"I'm worried about me too, Mike." And with that, they walked their separate ways to class. 

A few hours later Tyler was safe in his bed again, and with the blink of his eyes he was finally asleep. Something about the day made his brain finally slow down. Something about the sun made him finally crash. And it wasn't for another 5 hours that he finally stirred to the sound of his brother coming into the room they shared.   
"Hey Tyler, mom says come down and eat. It's almost 8 o'clock" 

Tyler turned and rubbed his face in his pillow. He was actually hungry, and could smell the meal his mother had made. He crawled from his bed to a standing position and walked down the stairs. His eyes were still tired, and his body still slow. He sat at the table to find his mother had fixed him a plate of food. She hoped that by making the plate for him she could get her son to actually eat. And sometimes, to her surprise, he did. Tonight was one of those nights. Tyler filled his stomach to the top. He then sat at the table, silent, as his mother cleaned the kitchen. He dragged his fork across his napkin over and over, staring down. He was once again lost in thought. So many thoughts. He wasn't even sure what he was thinking anymore. Too many thoughts were screaming over each other. They were fighting to be heard. He didn't come back to reality until his mother took his plate, and carried it to the sink. He stood and brought her his fork, and thanked her for cooking. He then returned to his room, and to his bed, to be safe. 

Tyler pulled a pen from his night stand, and a notebook from the floor and began to focus on thought after thought. Word after word flowed from his hand and go the page. This was his only way to clear his mind. He could write for hours, and often he did. He would get so lost he wouldn't notice his brother go to sleep, he wouldn't notice the midnight hour, and he wouldn't notice that the darkness and the silence were now here. But they were, and now he had to be a solider against himself. He had to fight to survive his own terrifying thoughts. The thoughts that tried to kill him day by day, night after night.   
This was his life. It never failed, and it never changed. He almost didn't see a way out.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Uh I'm bad at this. In this chapter it's more thought fighting. Oh, and Tyler meets josh.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There's some suicidal thoughts in here, some things that may be triggering to some.

It had been a normal night. The normal silence, the normal thoughts, the normal draining minutes that felt like hours. Tyler stared up at the ceiling, although it was too dark to see. His muscles ached from being still, and screamed to be stretch. He sat up and cracked his neck, and stood. Once again he crept through the house during the late night hours, struggling to keep quiet as the floor boards sang. He trailed his fingers along the wall, visualizing his house as best he could in the darkness so he wouldn't trip. He reached the bathroom and held out his hand, searching for the doorknob. He turned it slowly, trying to avoid it's usual squeaks, and pushed open the door. He slid his hand on the wall until his palm connected with the switch and it flipped into the "on" position. After closing the door behind himself, Tyler shook out his body. He stretched his limbs and turned on the faucet. Waiting for the water to warm he looked at himself in the mirror. But he didn't just look, he thought.

As Tyler stared at himself, he truly began to think. That was him, he was staring into his own soul. Why could such a normal looking boy be such a failure? That WAS all he saw. All he saw was a kid who longed to be someone great, someone who could take the inspiring breath of other living creatures and turn it into something remarkable. But he saw nothing. His days were spent drilling false hope into his head, and then somehow using it to convince himself he could survive the nighttime. But now, has he stood in front of the mirror, looking deep into his own brown eyes, he watched the last bit of hope he had for himself well up into a single tear, and fall rapidly down onto the bathroom counter. That was it. He had nothing left. He had once been a hopeful boy, with thousands of dreams. He wanted to be an athlete, he wanted to be a rockstar, he wanted to be a chef, he wanted to be a teacher, an author, a construction worker. Just like any other child his dreams changed like he changed his clothes. But they were alive. He was going to make something of himself, and no one was going to stop him. Ultimately, no one did stop him. It was his own himself, his own brain that pulled him down and held him to the ground. Now it seemed that he could make nothing of himself. He couldn't keep his mind straight, he found no reason for himself to even wake at the beginning of the day, just to end up fighting his own thoughts at night.

Tyler believed with his heart and soul that he had reasons to live, but he was often so blinded by the horrors in his head that he couldn't think of them when they mattered most. He slid his hands across the bathroom counter, and turned himself around. He turned off the faucet and sat on the toilet holding his head in his hands. Slowly, tears began to slip from his eyes and soak his hands and face. He didn't want to end his life. He didn't want to give up. But he believed himself, he truly believed he was hopeless. He dried his face and stood. He needed help that he could provide for himself, and he knew who he could get it from. He crept down the stairs, his arms outstretched to find his way in the dark.

Tyler's mother was the person he trusted most. She was a sweet woman, loving and kind. She would do anything for anyone, and always tried her best for her family and friends. She often worried for Tyler, more than she did her other children. He was 17, and he was scared to the core of himself. It was something she never truly understood, and all she knew to do was comfort him like she would any other scared child. Tyler was open with his mother, he told her his fears, his dreams, his everything. She never judged him, and she never criticized. It was times like these when Tyler thanked God for giving him such a loving mother. He gently pushed open his parents bedroom door, reaching for the light-switch for the hallway. The light beamed on, feeling like a swift kick to Tyler's eyes. He walked slow and quiet to his mothers bedside, whispering for her to wake. Her eyes fluttered and she shifted, shielding her face from the light.

"Tyler?" She sat up and rubbed her face. Her husband rolled over, still asleep.

"Sorry, mom...can we talk?" Tyler said slowly, his voice cracking.

"Of course. Let's go to the living room." She peeled the covers off of her, and gently climbed out of bed. Shutting the bedroom door behind them, the two walked into the living room and sat on the couch. Tyler stared forward, trying to find the words he wanted to say. He wanted to tell her everything, he wanted to just scream and yell out every thought that his mind ever came up with. But he was scared to even tell her one. He didn't want to hurt her, or scare her.

Finally, closing his eyes, he spoke. "Mom, I'm sad," he began. "And I'm not exactly what I'm sad about, I'm just sad. Tremendously sad. Overwhelmingly sad. And I'm lost. I don't know what to do."

There was silence. She reached her arm out and rubbed it along her sons back and tears fell from his closed eyes. He looked up at her, to make sure she wasn't crying herself. He continued to speak, and more tears flowed with every word. "Mom, I'm afraid. I think things I don't want to think, and most of the time I can reassure myself that I'm safe, but sometimes I'm still scared that I'm not." Tyler stopped there. He knew he had said enough to get his point out.

With a sigh, his mother began. "I know that you're afraid, and sometimes I am too. All I can do is tell myself that you're a strong boy, and that you'll be okay. You've proven it to me time and time again. But there isn't anything we can do right now. I can call the doctor in the morning, but we need to get you to sleep. I want you to sleep down here, you seem to sleep better down here."

It was true, he did sleep better downstairs in the living room. For starters, he actually slept. He wasn't sure why. Maybe it was the comfort of being close to his parents, as childish as that sounds. Maybe it was because he felt safest there, thinking back to his days as a child, when his brother lay in a crib where the television now stood, and he slept in his fathers arms as they rocked in a recliner. Whatever it was, he felt at ease. His mother didn't know the extent of his inability to sleep at night. She knew he had trouble, and she often heard him creep through the house at odd hours, but she still seemed to believe that he was resting. He didn't have the heart to tell her otherwise. He knew she weighed under the stress of her son suffering through the terrors of his thoughts, he didn't need to make it worse.

His mother stood, and looked down at him. She ran her hand across his head, scratching at his scalp a bit and kissing his forehead. She reached to the back of the couch and unfolded a large, soft blanket to lay across her son, who was now calming himself down. She returned to a seated position next to him, and covered the two of them up. Putting her arm around Tyler, she pulled him close so his head was leaning on her shoulder. He closed his eyes and relaxed his muscles. It was his bed that he felt safe from the world, it was in his mothers arms like a child that he felt safe from his own mind.

The sun rose hours later, and the sound of alarms and fighting over the bathroom filled the air. Tyler sat on the couch, still wrapped up in the blanket, with a cup of warm coffee in his hands. His hair was a mess, his eyes barely open. But he felt calm, rested, and warm. His mother was fixing breakfast, his father trying to choose between ties. Zack raced down the stairs, he was the first one ready, as always.

"Why doesn't Tyler have to go to school?" Zack cried.

"He's sick." His mother replied quickly, placing a plate of food in front of Zack at the table.

"He doesn't look sick. He's not sick. He's faking it."

"Why don't you shut up?" Tyler snapped at his brother. He knew Zack didn't understand, but he wanted to avoid the conversation of mental illness altogether, and somehow still convince his brother he was fine. Scared parents were enough for Tyler, his siblings didn't have to know.

"I don't have to shut up, you shut up!" Zack yelled back.

"Boys, stop it. It's too early for this." Their father yelled from the bathroom. Tyler stuck his tongue out at Zack before taking a sip of his coffee. Pouted and started on his breakfast. Tyler wanted to sleep more, even though he wasn't tired. It was almost a habit for him to be sleeping, and it was a strange feeling being awake. He hadn't actually FELT awake in a long time. It was odd, and he almost didn't like it.

Before he knew it his family had left, leaving his mother and him alone. He sat on the couch, still holding his now empty coffee cup, and his mom cleaned the dishes off the sink. He stretched and uncovered himself, becoming cold with the air in he house. He walked into the kitchen, grabbing the two plates that were left on the table and placing them in the sink with his cup. His mother then sat for a breather, and he joined her at the table.

"I will call the doctor in a minute. The office opened at 8." She told him.

"It's okay mom. Take your time. Do you need help with anything?"

She was amazed. Tyler hadn't offered to help in a long while. He hadn't had the energy. She feared overwhelming him, and thought of a simple task. "Just load the dishwasher hun. I'll do the rest."

"Easy enough." He replied, standing. He did as she had asked, and she watched on. She hardly ever saw him anymore, he was always in his room. She cherished the time she spent with him now. She watched him as he took each dish, rinsed it, and put it in the dishwasher. He was grown now. An attractive boy with short brown hair that grew in thick, and a skinny build accented with muscles a girl could die for. His mother was proud of the handsome boy he'd become, even if he didn't see it. She was proud because he was a fighter. It was hard for him to even stay alive at times, yet here he was. His thin, boney fingers reached up and turned off the faucet, and he returned to sit at the table. A smile forming as he looked down. His mother hadn't seen her sons smile in a long time. His crooked teeth, the way he always tried to hide them. He was the most precious thing she'd ever seen. Her first son, her first child. He looked so much like his father, and she loved just to look at him. He was seemingly perfect to her, and she feared the way he didn't think so. She was scared that one day she might lose him to himself, and he would be gone forever.

She finished her morning chores while Tyler sat watching children's cartoons in the living room. He didn't put much thought into them, but remembered the times when he would beg his parents to eat breakfast in the living room before school JUST so he could watch tv. He missed being a child, smiling at everything and never seeing a flaw in himself. He hadn't had a care in the world then, and now he had them all. His mother kept her promise, and called the psychiatrist. She passed along the contents of the previous nights conversation, and let him know that she'd like Tyler to see him as soon as he could. She got off the phone and walked into the living room, placing the phone on the arm of the couch. Tyler looked up from his children's cartoons.

"He says just come in, he'll make time between appointments. Go get dressed, we'll leave soon." She told him. Tyler stood from the couch with an "okay" and walked up to his room. Once again, he pulled whatever he grabbed first from his drawer and threw it on. His hair was a mess, and his face was still tired. He was beginning to think that's just what he looked like. He went into the bathroom and attempted to tame his hair. It was short, yes, but it stuck up in some places, down in others, and he just couldn't seem to get it all to agree. He brushed his teeth and sprayed himself a single time with deodorant.

He met his mother at the bottom of the stairs. She searched for her car keys in a drawer. "Mom, they're on the kitchen counter." He told her.

"Oh! Right." She replied, and turned to retrieve them. Tyler shook his head and snorted. He walked to the door and waited for her to return. She came back with keys in one hand and her purse in the other, smiling at her gorgeous son. "Let's go." She said, flicking off the lights in the house as Tyler opened the door. The two got in the car and began their journey.

It wasn't a long drive, the doctor was in the center of town. He was popular, and known as one of the best psychiatrists in the state of Ohio. He was a very busy man, but nice. He often gave Tyler a piece of chocolate or candy when he visited. He was a smart man, who treated people of all ages. He had a think accent, and a name that was nearly impossible to pronounce. Tyler had been seeing him for almost 5 years. The office was surprisingly quiet when his mother and him arrived. Only one other person sat in the waiting room, magazine in hand. Tyler noticed the man shaking. He seemed unable to stop. Tyler looked away, focusing on something else, knowing it was rude to stare, and not any of his business what the mans difficulty was. It was nearly 10am, and Tyler began feeling tired once more. He hadn't been awake for more than 4 hours, but tired was his natural feeling. The doctors office door opened, a woman and who Tyler assumed was her daughter walked out. The doctor followed. He told the secretary to schedule them another appointment. The two said goodbye to the doctor, and walked past. Tyler smiled to the doctor, who greeted him and his mother.

"Why don't you step in for a moment?" He said, pointing to the door. He then reassured the shaking man that he would be right out. Tyler and his mother sat down in the office, and the doctor came in and closed the door. "Tyler, hello!" The doctor said. He sounded very cheerful, although it wasn't a cheerful matter. "Your mother called me this morning, and told me some things. How are things going right now?"

Tyler looked up at his mother, as if he wanted her to answer. "Uh...not so great," he replied. He was anxious, and he feared he might cry again.

"Whys that? How have you been feeling?" The doctor asked.

"I've been feeling sad. And tired." Tyler told him.

"I see. Your mother told me you were feeling scared. Have you been feeling scared?"

Tyler nodded. "I've been scared of some of the thoughts that I have."

"Can you tell me what some of these thoughts are?" The doctor asked, scratching something onto a notepad.

"I think about my future, I think about my past. How my past used to be so calm and happy, and how I now feel hopeless and sad. How my future looks dull and dark. I think about what it would be like to give up, but I don't want to give up." Tyler began to cry. He didn't mind crying, but he didn't like to do it in front of his mother.

"So you're feeling suicidal?" The doctor asked.

"I suppose, yes. But it's just thoughts, and I don't WANT to do it." Tyler replied. It was true, he didn't want to. He didn't want to die. But he had the thoughts anyway.

"I understand. And I think I have a solution that we can try." The doctor began talking about new medications, and handed Tyler a pamphlet on coping skills to redirect his thoughts when they get dark. Then, he offered Tyler a piece of candy.

Tyler's mother and him walked to the car. He felt hopeful again, he felt like things could get better. He felt happy because of this. But he still felt weighed down. He knew it wasn't over, it might never be over, but he was no longer fighting blindly. His mother had some errands to run before they went home, so they made a stop at the grocery store. It was weird being out and about when he knew he was supposed to be in school. It was a whole new town now. All new people, a whole different feeling. It wasn't bad, just strange. Tyler wandered the grocery store while his mother shopped. He looked at the magazines and the snacks before finally retiring to a bench outside at the front of the store to wait for his mother. It was then that he was joined.

A boy with dark brown hair, longer than Tyler's, and curly, sat down beside him. His eyes were brown, but not as dark as Tyler's. Sweat dripped down his face and he breathed heavily. He wore a reflective vest over a black hoodie, and a name tag on the front. Josh.

"I haven't seen you around during the day. You go to school?" Josh asked.

"Uh...yeah I do. I had an appointment today." Tyler replied, kind of taken aback at the sudden conversation.

"I see. What grade are you in?"

"I'm a senior." Tyler looked at the boy sitting beside him. Josh's eyes were on the parking lot ahead of them. Tyler studied his face. He couldn't have been much older than Tyler himself. His ears were pierced, gauged to a larger size. His face was clean shaven, and his hair curled messily in his sweat.

"You go to the town high school? I go to night school there." Josh finally said, looking back at Tyler.

Tyler shyly looked away. "No..no I don't. I go to a private school where my dad teaches."

"Ohh. Alright. That's why I haven't seen you around. I'm Josh."

"I see that," Tyler giggled, pointing at the name tag on Josh's shirt.

"Ahh, nice one. I'm a senior too, but school isn't my thing. Well, the other students aren't. I'm not into the same things I guess."

"Oh..what are you into?" Tyler curiously asked.

"Music." Josh laughed. "I told everyone in town when I was around 12 that I was going to be a famous rock star some day. Everyone kind of laughed at me. Here I am, almost 6 years later, and the dream hasn't died. The entire student body thinks it's pretty ridiculous." He laughed again looking towards Tyler. "You probably think so too."

Tyler sat for a moment. "No, I want to do the same thing."

Josh's jaw dropped a bit. "No way, man!" He said loudly.

Tyler laughed. "Yes way."

"Do you play instruments? Do you sing?" Josh was standing how, his hands in front of him, a smile spread across his face.

"I play on this toy keyboard my mom got me a few Christmases ago. I write mostly."

"You write songs? You play keys? Dude we HAVE to be friends!" Josh said excitedly. He reached into his pocket and pulled out a pen. "Do you have a piece of paper? I'll give you my number and you can text me later. I have to get back to work but I get off at 2."

Tyler searched for a piece of paper, and looked up to see his mother join him outside, reading off her receipt to herself. Tyler snatched it from her hands and gave it to josh, who began writing instantly.

"Excuse me!" Tyler's mother yelled, confused and slightly angry at her sons rude action.

"Sorry mom, he has to go." Tyler replied.

"I'm so happy I sat down to talk to you. And to think I did it just because I thought you were cute." Josh said to Tyler, handing him the receipt and patting his shoulder. He ran off, and Tyler turned to his mother, ripping the number off the receipt and giving her the rest.

Josh's words stuck in Tyler's head, surprisingly over powering his own horrific thoughts. "Thought you were cute..." They echoed. A boy thought Tyler was cute. This was a first as far as Tyler knew. He wasn't uncomfortable by it, more flattered and pleased. Sexuality wasn't something Tyler put a lot of thought into, he was usually thinking about something else, something terrifying, but the words that filled his head now seemed to make his heart jump. He could feel his face turning red.

He was confused with himself, but not in a bad way. Josh thought he was cute, and gave him his number. And maybe...just maybe...Tyler thought josh was pretty cute too.


	3. Chapter 3

After errands with his mother, Tyler had returned home and helped her put groceries away. She pestered him about the boy at the store. Tyler wasn't sure if he should tell her the truth, that he didn't know the boy at all, or if he should lie and say they were friends. It seemed kind of odd that someone he'd never seen before was so eager to know him. "We just met," he told her. "He was on break, and we just started talking. He plays music too." 

Thoughts of Josh floated in and out of Tyler's head, filling him with a joyous feeling. Such a seemingly flawless featured boy, who liked not only the same things as Tyler, but Tyler himself. It seemed almost too good to be true, but Tyler didn't want to deny it. No, he wanted to swan dive into his thoughts of Josh. He wanted to bathe in them, and drown in them. He finally felt something other than weighed down, and he finally thought something other than horror. He had to text this boy, he had to see him again. There was only one issue. Tyler had never liked someone before. He didn't know how the act, he didn't want Josh to think he was childish or overly excited or clingy or desperate or lonely or easy or immature or..... 

Once again Tyler's thoughts raced. What would he say to Josh? Would he ever tell him that he thought he was pretty cute, too? How could he ask to see Josh again, without coming off desperate? Should he wait to text him? Should he get it over with? Tyler unlocked his phone and added Josh's number. He stared at it for a while before locking his phone and putting it down beside him. He threw his hands over his eyes, and groaned. He was becoming tired again. He rarely made it passed 4pm anymore. 

He crept up to his room, crawled into his bed, and put his phone on the night table. But he didn't sleep. He didn't even close his eyes. He looked at his phone. He had to text Josh. Just a simple message, letting him know who he was, and that he didn't forget to text him. But it was already 3pm. Josh would be in class. Tyler had waiting too long. 

"DAMMIT!" He yelled at himself. "Good job." He said, pulling his blankets over his head and rolling over. He tried to close his eyes, but they were no longer heavy. He tried to get comfortable, but he was restless. He was upset with himself. His head was pounding, he was incredibly tired, but he wasn't going to get sleep without texting the boy that filled his thoughts. He sat up quickly, and angrily picked up his phone. 

To: Josh From The Store  
"Hey, it's Tyler. The kid from the grocery store. This is my number, if you wanted to save it." 

It worked, it was a weight off his shoulders. He laid back down. Josh wouldn't be out of class until 6. Maybe he would reply then. Tyler's eyes closed comfortably. His fingers that were seemingly always moving, playing an invisible piano, grew too tired to move. His thoughts turned into dreams as he fell asleep. Once again, there was the boy. Josh. On the bench outside the store, sweat dripping down his forehead as he looked out in front of him. Tyler looked straight at him, admiring each feature. He studied each strand of hair, each curl. There were scattered blemishes on his face, a stubble beginning to appear. But he was the definition of perfection to Tyler. Josh turned his head, and looked back at Tyler. Tyler studied his eyes. A light brown, almost a goldish color, that got darker towards the outside of the iris. Tyler didn't look away. Josh didn't look away. It was the most perfect moment. A nervous smile began to form on Josh's face and....

Tyler's phone beeped, causing him to roll over and groan. He forced his eyes to stay closed, and struggled to remember the dream. He had to get that dream back. He tried hard to picture Josh in his mind again, but each time he was interrupted by another thought. It was impossible. He was never going to get that dream back. He kicked his covers off, frustrated. He had slept for an hour and a half. He looked up to see his brother with headphones on and papers spread across the floor. Zack didn't seem to acknowledge Tyler waking, so Tyler grabbed his phone and left the room. He wiped his tired eyes and walked into the bathroom. He turned on the faucet and looked at his phone while waiting for the water to heat up. A text from Josh. 

From: Josh From The Store  
"Hey man. What's up? I'm in class but let's talk." 

Tyler was relieved. A normal conversation, he could do that. 

To: Josh From The Store  
"I just woke up from a nap. Are you going to get in trouble?" 

He put his phone in his pocket and wet his face, waking himself up. He didn't believe that he could fall for a boy he didn't know. He didn't think he could really feel the way he did. He didn't really MIND it, didn't really try to FIGHT it, but he thought a lot about it. Maybe he was getting way too ahead of himself. Was he going to ruin it? Was his naivety going to hurt him? Did he even really care? He turned the water off and wiped his face. 

"Tyler??" A small, curious voice came from down the hall. Tyler's brother peered from around the doorway of his room. 

"Hey, Jay. What's up?" Tyler said, turning the light off and walking towards his brother. 

"Do you want to play basketball?" Jay said quietly, and shyly stepping into his room when Tyler walked closer. 

"Sure buddy, is everything okay?" 

"Yeah. I wanted to ask you something. Can we go outside?" 

"Yeah, let's go" Tyler said, heading down the stairs to get his shoes, his brother following behind him. Jay was only 7, the baby of the family. 

Once the two boys were outside, they tossed the ball back and forth before Jay threw it at the hoop. He missed, Tyler catching the rebound and passing the ball back to Jay. He tried again, and made it. Tyler took a moment to check his phone. 

From: Josh From The Store  
"As long as I'm doing work, I shouldn't get in trouble. So, I'm sorry if I came off weird today, throwing my number in your face and all. I felt bad afterwards." 

To: Josh From The Store  
"No, no. You're fine. It was only weird because it doesn't happen all that often. Don't feel bad." 

Tyler slipped his phone back in his pocket and caught another rebound for his brother. "Tyler, can I ask you something?" Jay asked, dribbling the ball as he walked to his brother. 

"Yeah, sure. Anything." 

"What do I do if I like a girl?" Jay asked, handing Tyler the ball. 

Tyler dribbled he ball twice before attempting a shot. It bounced off the rim. He smiled big and let out a laugh. "Why? Do you like a girl?" He asked in a teasing tone, catching the rebounded ball and passing it to Jay. 

"No! No way!" 

"Yeah?! Oh man! Jay has his first girlfriend!" Tyler began to joke. 

"She's not my girlfriend! I just like her!" 

Madison came outside and heard the conversation. "Aww, you like a girl, Jay?" She began. Tyler laughed in the background. "That's so cute! Tell me about her?" 

Jay put the ball down, and it rolled towards Tyler. "She's in my class. She's in a special math because she smart. And she likes to play with legos at recess with me." Jay told his sister. 

"What's her name? Does she know you like her?" Madison asked. 

"Her name is Julia. She doesn't know. She might not like me back." 

"Well I think you should tell her. If she likes you back that's great! If not, just be her friend." Madison told him. A smile grew on Jay's face, and he ran inside. He was suddenly so excited to tell this girl he liked her. Tyler wondered why relationships couldn't be as simple as elementary school anymore. He wondered why it couldn't be so easy. Madison still stood in the driveway, where Tyler now bounced the basketball with one hand, and checked his phone with the other. 

"I have a date after school," she started. "I use the bathroom first tomorrow. No matter what." 

Tyler shrugged. "Okay," he said, throwing the ball at the basket. Madison nodded and walked away. Tyler read his texts. 

From: Josh From The Store  
"Well, I shouldn't have told you I thought you were cute. That must've made it awkward." 

To: Josh From The Store  
"No, no. I'm flattered. Someone other than my mom thinks I'm cute." 

Tyler retrieved the ball, and put it on the front porch before returning inside. He knew Josh thought he was cute, and must've liked him, what was the problem with liking him back? It wasn't right to tell him over text. He had to see him again. He was going to see him again.


	4. Chapter 4

Tyler had eaten his entire dinner with his family, something he hadn’t done in a long time. Afterwards, he even sat in the family room while his siblings all watched a movie. Although he was there, he didn’t watch with them. He held tightly onto the phone in his hands, repeatedly turning the screen on and off, even though he knew he didn’t have a text message. He wanted so badly to text the boy that never left his mind, but he was afraid. Would he come off as annoying? Clingy? He didn’t want to risk ruining the image that Josh had of him, so he continued to wishfully turn the screen on and off and mindlessly watch the television screen in between. 

The end of the movie came, and it was time to retire to his bedroom. The worst time of the day was here, but Tyler was not afraid. He hugged his parents’ goodnight, and followed his brother to their bedroom. Zack had his headphones on, and seemed to be in his own world as he climbed into bed to go to sleep. But Tyler watched as his younger brother rolled over to face the wall, and pulled the covers up to his neck. And Tyler thought, as he often did, what would happen if Zack ever found himself in a dark place, similar to the dark places of his own mind? Tyler thought this about all of his younger siblings, and his parents, and his friends. What would happen if they were faced with the same thoughts? How would they handle them? Tyler laid down and pulled the covers over his body, plugging in his phone and relaxing. He didn’t like to think of others feeling the same fear as him, and he didn’t want to ever see the people he cared about go through the same struggle. He imagined what it might be like to see his brother dragging his feet across the ground, as if his shoes were filled with cement. He imagined his sister, a frown seemingly plastered forever on her face, and tears permanently drowning her eyes. The thoughts pained him. The images burned into his mind. He tried to turn them off, as he did with most of his thoughts, but they continued. He saw his youngest brother, looking out the window at the neighborhood children below, enjoying themselves as he, instead, felt too tired to leave his bedroom. He saw his father, looking at himself in the bathroom mirror, disgusted by everything he saw. And then he saw his mother, laying in her bed, as she pictured her once happy family turn to a sad, dark group of emotionless, walking corpses. And with that, Tyler felt his heart sink into his acid filled stomach. He felt sick, and cold. He closed his eyes tight, and tried with everything he could to get the thoughts to go away. He thought about the movie his family had watched, but he couldn’t remember it. None of it. Why couldn’t he remember it?! 

His phone… He had been on his phone. The boy. He had been concerned only about hearing from the boy that he so silently adored. The boy with the dark curls atop his head, the boy with the light brown eyes that could pierce Tyler’s near numb soul. His image drifted through Tyler’s head. That boy. Josh. Josh was in Tyler’s head, and he was fighting off each and every one of the dark thoughts. Tyler could no longer deny how he felt, he adored Josh to the core. He longed for him more than he had ever longed for anyone, anything before in his life. A smile began to form across his face as he imagined seeing Josh again. For some reason he pictured it at the store again, once again at the edge of the parking lot. Josh had his work clothes on, and was pushing shopping carts onto the sidewalk in front of the store. He smiled when he saw Tyler coming over, and pulled off his gloves, using them to wipe the sweat off his forehead. Tyler didn’t know Josh well enough to imagine what he might say, so he only stood there, on the sidewalk, watching him. Watching him smile, and laugh. He heard Josh’s small laugh in his head. He had only heard it once, but it was sweet, and smooth sounding, and calming enough to keep Tyler away from his terrifying mind. Tyler relaxed all of his muscles, and pulled his arms in close to his chest. He breathed slow, and deep. He didn’t even realize that he was really, truly, falling asleep without a battle. He was finally resting at night, something that he never thought was possible. 

When Tyler awoke, it was still dark in his room. The windows were glowing, as morning came closer overhead. His brother was sprawled out across his bed, headphones hanging down towards the floor. The house already smelled of coffee, meaning his father must’ve been up. Tyler sat up and stretched, then removed the covers from over his body. He flung his legs over the side of the bed and stood up. His siblings wouldn’t be up for another 15 minutes, could he beat Zack to the bathroom? He opened his dresser and pulled out whatever clothes were on top, and then quietly snuck out of the bedroom and to the bathroom. He didn’t turn on the lights, he kind of liked the light glow the hidden sun pushed through the window. He locked the door and put his clothes on the counter. He avoided looking at himself as he started the shower and removed his clothes. Tyler often felt so tired, so weighed down, that even something as simple as taking a shower and getting ready for the day seemed unimaginably difficult. He was proud of himself as he stepped into the shower, letting the hot water flow over his head and down his face. He closed his eyes and smiled. He felt good, truly good. He giggled to himself and spun around so he could wash his hair. He felt optimistic about the day ahead, which was a rare feeling for him, but he didn’t deny it or push it away. 

After his shower, he stepped out and dried off. He looked into the mirror, smiled, and ran his fingers through his wet hair. He had just started to get dressed when he heard his father coming up the stairs to wake up the rest of the family. Zack would be coming soon. Tyler rushed a little, to avoid the conflict, and opened the door just in time. Zack raced around the corner, and looked startled as he saw his brother awake and ready. But he didn’t say anything, no, that would take time that he didn’t have. Tyler laughed silently to himself, and walked back to his bedroom to grab his phone, headphones, and backpack. As he walked back out into the hallway with his things in his hands, he nearly walked right into his dad. 

“What’re you doing up and ready this early?” His father asked him. 

“I slept really well, and woke up before Zack, so I figured I would shower before him.” He replied, and followed his father down the stairs and to the kitchen. His mother was putting a plate of food onto the table for her husband, and seemed shocked to see Tyler ready to go. She began to fix him a plate of food, and couldn’t hide the smile any longer. She was happy to see him feeling well. Tyler wasn’t necessarily smiling, but he had a lighter look upon his face, and he didn’t seem as tired, or troubled. He ate his breakfast, too, which wasn’t normal for him at all. He had finished as the rest of the family sat down to eat, and he excused himself from the table so he could watch the rest of the sunrise outside. There was something about the morning that made Tyler happy. It was different, he never really got to enjoy the morning, he was always so exhausted. He usually overlooked each detail of the morning, and just shuffled through his day. But he walked outside and sat down in the driveway. He looked at the grass, and the flowers in the garden. Everything was wet with dew, and so beyond bright it was almost hard to look at. There wasn’t a cloud in the sky to shield the sun, and it was surrounded by a cotton candy looking blue. Tyler took a deep breath. He felt…Happy. 

He returned inside as the family prepared to head off to school. Zack and Tyler waited on their father, as today he forgot his coffee on the kitchen table. The three headed out to the car together, and began the drive to school. Tyler pulled his phone from his back pocket and opened a new message. 

To: Josh From The Store  
“I don’t know what time you’ll wake up for work, but good morning.”

It was 7:15am, and school started at 7:40. Tyler and Zack were used to getting to school fairly early, since their father always had to be to work, and they didn’t really mind it. A lot of kids arrived early. Some finished homework, some socialized. Tyler would simply walk to his homeroom class, and sit down. But today was different. He got to school at 7:25am, and was greeted by students who knew him. Good mornings, and hellos. He replied, a smile on his face, and a wave, asking how the other students were, and wishing them a good day. He was nearly to his classroom when his phone went off. 

From: Josh From The Store  
“I wake up at 7:30. Work at 8. Do you text in school?”

Tyler smiled. He didn’t text in school, he never really had anyone to text, but he didn’t want to seem lame to Josh, so he decided not to tell him that. 

To: Josh From The Store  
“Do you text at work? :P” 

Tyler was being sarcastic, and hoped Josh would see this. He sat down at his desk, and was greeted by the teacher. “You’re looking well-rested today, Mr. Joseph!” She said, cheerfully. 

“I had a really good night last night, I’m feeling awesome.” 

“That’s good, I’m glad!” She replied. He thanked her, and looked down to his phone. 

From: Josh From The Store  
“I don’t, but I’ll text you.”

Tyler was flattered. Josh would risk his job just to send him a text message? 

To: Josh From The Store  
“Just don’t get fired, please?” 

Class was about to start, and Tyler hid his phone in his desk. His homeroom class was always his period one class, which meant a fairly easy class transition. The teacher greeted the class, but Tyler didn’t notice. He saw as his phone lit up inside the desk. 

From: Josh From The Store  
“I won’t get fired! Don’t be silly. But hey, I really do have to get ready and drive to work. I’ll text you when I can.” 

Tyler replied with an “Okay,” and slide his phone back into his desk. He tried to hide his smile as he looked forwards towards the teacher. He couldn’t focus on classwork, but that wasn’t anything new. The only difference was that his mind was on good thoughts, and he loved it. He wasn’t thinking of anything dark, he wasn’t thinking of anything scary. He was dreaming of Josh, once again.


	5. Chapter 5

At lunch Tyler sat in his usual seat with his usual friends. Michael and Mark both had their YuGiOh cards out in front of them, and food in their hands. But they looked at Tyler, who was looking at his phone and smiling like a fool. They hadn’t seen Tyler smile in a long time, and it was kind of odd. 

Michael curiously nodded his head, “Hey, what’re you looking at?” He asked. 

“Oh, I…I’m just texting,” Tyler hesitated. 

“Who?” Mark asked. 

“Just a friend.” Tyler replied without looking up. 

“What’s her name?” Michael asked. 

“Oh, it’s…It’s not a girl…” Tyler said slowly. “His name is Josh.” 

“Oh, I thought it was a girl the way you were smiling.” 

Tyler felt his cheeks grow warm. “Oh, yeah,” He stuttered. “He’s just really funny sometimes,” Tyler lied. Tyler’s dad was approaching the lunch table. Tyler stood and caught his attention, so that he could avoid talking anymore about Josh. 

“Hey dad!” He said nervously. He wasn’t sure what to say next, he just wanted to get away from Michael and Mark. “I was wondering if I could invite someone over this week?” 

“His dad looked a little caught off guard. “Well, yeah. Who is it?” 

“His name is Josh; Mom has met him.” 

Tyler’s dad looked over at Michael and Mark, who both seemed to be hiding offended looks. “I’ll talk to your mother when we get home, and see what she says.” And with that, the bell rang, and Tyler hurried away. 

Could Michael and Mark really tell that he liked Josh just from the way he was looking at his phone? What would they think if they knew that Tyler liked a boy? He had been able to lie to them and say Josh had told a joke this time, but how long could he continue to do that? His mind raced all through his next class, and he had only gotten one text from Josh who said he was going to be busy. He felt emotionally exhausted again, and couldn’t wait to get home and sleep, even though he had slept the whole night before. 

Tyler hurried into the house after school. He rushed upstairs and crawled into bed. But he didn’t sleep. He tried so hard, he had felt so tired. But instead, he stared at the wall. He didn’t think of anything bad, or anything good, or anything in particular really. He just skipped from thought to thought. He couldn’t even seem to keep his eyes closed. The world kept moving around him, but he took no notice. He didn’t seem to care when his brother came into the room, turned on the light, made a loud ruckus digging under his bed to find an old book, and then left without turning the light off. He didn’t seem to care when his sister ran through the halls of the house, frustrated and yelling because she couldn’t seem to find her homework she knew she had done. He took no part when the family gathered around the table to eat dinner, or when they all squeezed on the couch to watch a short movie before bed. But he didn’t sleep, either. 

When night officially came, Tyler still stayed in his bed, eyes fixated in the same place they had been hours before. He felt like a corpse. As the lights around the house all went out, and everyone else climbed into bed, he peeled the covers off the top of him and walked to the bathroom, shuffling his feet on the carpet with each step. And when he was finished, and had washed his hands, he felt he lacked the energy to even return to his bedroom. He felt like falling onto his hands and knees and crawling down the hallway. He felt like collapsing onto the floor and staying there for days. When he finally made it back to his bed, he checked his phone. Just as he had suspected, there were texts from Josh. Three, to be exact. But even to Tyler’s surprise, he locked his phone without even opening them. He pulled the blankets of his bed all the way over his head, and found it much easier to close his eyes. He still skipped from thought to though, and his mind still moved, but he seemed to be able to get closer to sleep. 

Tyler found himself in a strange place. He wasn’t awake, but he wasn’t asleep, but still he was dreaming. Dreaming about normal events, and he knew they weren’t real. The dreams were vivid, and somehow seemed to make him feel physically sick. He couldn’t seem to wake himself up entirely, but he could feel his body aching. He rolled over, tangling himself in the blankets. He was able to pull himself from one dream, but he fell so quickly into the next. He found himself in the classroom, alone. He knew he was dreaming, and he wasn’t really having a nightmare, but he still found himself terrified. He wanted out of the dream so desperately, and the only way he knew to get out was to turn over and dream again. Several times Tyler rolled back and forth. He had kicked himself bare in the night, and pulled his arms close to his chest just to keep warm. He was sweating from fear, and it just made him colder. His body ached, and his stomach screamed. He felt so sick. The dreams were draining him, and he received no rest. He sat up in bed, and looked around. Zack was on his stomach in bed, arm over the edge, and blankets on the floor. The night light in the hallway flickered, casting shadows on the walls. The clock on the nightstand read “3:27.” 

Tyler was frustrated and unrested. He kicked his legs out of the bed and stood. He unplugged his phone, still with the unread messages from Josh blinking on the screen. He walked out of his room, almost like a robot. He didn’t seem to know exactly what he was doing, he just sort of…Did it. He made his way down the stairs and to the front door. He slid on his shoes and grabbed his sweatshirt from the coat rack. Before stepping outside, he grabbed his brother’s earbud headphones that had been draped over the railing at the bottom of the stairs. 

He hadn’t even seemed to realize it when he stepped outside and onto the street. He looked straight ahead of himself, focusing on nothing but the music that played from his phone. He mouthed the words to the songs, and kept walking. There were no house lights on, no cars on the street, but the stars were bright, and the moon nearly full. He didn’t have any idea where he was going to go, or even what he was doing outside. It almost hadn’t even occurred to him yet that he left his house. 

Before Tyler even knew it, he was at the intersection of one of the main roads in town. Almost an hour had passed since he left home, but he just kept walking. Lights from the town gas station cast large shadows onto the street as Tyler walked passed, but he paid them no mind. The traffic lights didn’t change at night, they only blinked orange. No cars drove by, and it felt like Tyler was completely alone. But he almost liked the feeling. The whole town was his, and no one was there to bother him. He didn’t feel a soul for miles. He passed the highway ramps, and heard the few trucks driving below him underneath the bridge. He was miles from home now, and it still almost hadn’t crossed his mind that he had left. 

He reached the parking lot of the grocery store plaza, and felt himself turn towards the store. He still had no idea why he had left his house, or what exactly he was doing miles away in the center of town by the store. Traffic had picked up now, as it neared 5 in the morning, and he found comfort as he walked in the parking lot and off the road. He reached the front of the store, and no one was in sight. He sat down on the bench by the store entrance. The bench where he had met Josh. He was exhausted from his sleepless night. His legs ached and his skin crawled from his miles of walking. His mouth was dry, and his throat was sore. He breathed hard and heavy. He was dripping sweat, and felt sick to his stomach. But his mind felt oddly clear. A strong pain formed behind his eyes, screaming at him to close them. The sky was lighter now, and he could feel it in his bones that the morning was here.

He brought his feet up onto the bench, and curled up into a small ball. He pulled the hood of his sweatshirt over his face to block out the light of the new day, and tried not to think about how sick he felt. He hadn’t realized how exhausted he truly was, or how easy it would be for him to fall asleep, but suddenly there he was, asleep outside of the grocery store. He didn’t dream at all. He had been so tired that he seemingly just shut off. But while he rested, time went on. The clocks hit 6 o’clock, and his family started to wake. 

His father didn’t think much of it when he walked into his son’s room and found himself only waking one boy and looking at an empty bed. There were plenty of places Tyler could have been. It only truly became strange to the family when Zack and his father were getting ready to leave and no one had even seen Tyler. Upon further inspection, the family noticed that Tyler’s shoes and cell phone were missing as well. His mother picked up the house phone and quickly dialed Tyler’s number. She tried to hide her fear from her family, but her thoughts raced. He could be anywhere, he could have done anything, and anything could have happened to him. She knew her mind would calm when he answered the phone. But he didn’t. She called again, and there still was no answer. She fought back tears as she handed the phone to her husband, who tried the cell phone a third time. There was no answer yet again. The only thing he could think to do was call the police, and so that was what he did. After explaining that his son had left the house some time during the night and wasn’t answering his cell phone, the police arrived at the door. The children sat on the couch in the family room. Only Zack fully understood what exactly was happening, but Jay and Madison could tell that something wasn’t right. Uniformed officers stood in the kitchen, asking hundreds of questions to a very scared couple of parents. Lights flashed outside the windows as police car after police car pulled up outside the house. It all seemed a little excessive to Zack, who counted four vehicles on the street. 

Tyler slept away on the bench, without any idea as to what was happening. It was nearing the time the store would open, and the manager became worried about the sleeping boy outside. He walked out the doors to try and gently wake Tyler, but was stopped by a very confused and worried employee zipping by. It was Josh, who recognized the sweatshirt of the sleeping boy. Josh gently put his hand on Tyler’s arm, trying to gently shake him awake. Tyler jolted back and looked up. He rubbed his eyes with his hands, and Josh came into focus. He pulled his headphones out of his ears and looked around, confused. 

“Tyler, what are you doing? It’s 8 in the morning, you should be at school!” Josh rubbed Tyler’s arm, and sat down beside him. 

Tyler cleared his throat that was still extremely sore. “I have no idea…I just left. I left my house at like 3 in the morning.” 

Josh pulled Tyler’s hood off of his head, and reached into his work bag and pulled out a water bottle. “How did you get here?” He asked. He saw that Tyler was confused, scared. His eyes still weren’t open all the way, and he wasn’t sure where to look. 

“I walked.” Tyler took the water from Josh and struggled to open it. He squeezed the bottle to get a better grip, which caused water to overflow over the top. He didn’t seem to care, and drank nearly half of it anyway. 

“Tyler, you walked here at 3 in the morning and fell asleep on the bench?” Josh looked Tyler over. His hair was short but grew in thick, and it was only maybe a shade lighter than his own. His lips were a darker pink color, and they were chapped and cracking. Tyler squinted as he looked around still, as though he was struggling to even realize where he was. He looked nervous, and his skin was flushed. His body was a little shaky, and he kept his hands inside his sleeves. He only nodded to Josh’s question. Josh stood in shock. “We have to get you home; your parents are probably freaking out!” He was worried her would startle the seemingly fragile boy before him, so he slowed and sat back down. “We really should get you back home quickly.” He said calmer, reaching over and putting his hand on Tyler’s back. 

Something seemed to come alive in Tyler now, he seemed to wake up. He realized where he was and what he had done, he realized who he was with and what was happening. He shuddered at Josh’s touch, but not because he didn’t want it, because he was so beyond embarrassed and humiliated at what he had done, and how Josh had found him. He turned to Josh now, and dropped the closed water bottle onto the ground. “Oh my God, Josh. I’m so sorry. I don’t know what happened to me. You must think I’m crazy. You probably think I’ve lost my mind. I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” He spoke quickly and hid his face in his hands. Josh pulled his hand back at first, not realizing what had happened. Then he wrapped his fingers around Tyler’s wrist and pulled his hands from his face. 

“Tyler, whoa. Calm down. It’s okay. I don’t think you’re crazy.” 

Tyler looked up into Josh’s eyes now. He saw them move away as Josh blushed and tried to hide a nervous smile. “I’m sorry.” He said, bringing his hands down from his face. He felt Josh’s fingers against his, and suddenly wanted to hold onto his hand tight. He wanted to pull Josh in close and stay there forever. 

“Don’t be sorry,” Josh said looking back at Tyler again. “Please just let me take you home.” 

Tyler froze. “Oh no,” he thought. “Home.” If Josh was at work, it was after 8. His parents would have noticed he’s gone, they’ll be worried. He hadn’t even realized that Josh had already told him that. He became so worried now. Terrified of how his parents were going to react. Would he be in trouble? Would they be upset? Would his mother cry? He suddenly felt sick, and guilty. And that was all it took for him. The night had finally crashed down on him, and he fell into Josh. He didn’t even try to stop himself. He knew that’s where he wanted to be. 

Josh gasped slightly in surprise, and Tyler collapsed into him. He pulled Tyler close, holding his head on his chest. “Don’t worry, okay? I’ll go with you. I’ll take you home, we’ll go together.” Josh ran his fingers along Tyler’s head, and through his hair, trying to calm the crying boy. He felt Tyler’s body jerking as he cried uncontrollably. 

Josh’s boss came out of the store and looked at the two. He pointed angrily at his watch, and then pointed at the store. Josh replied by taking off his name badge from next to Tyler’s head on his chest, and throwing it in his boss’s direction. He had to get Tyler home safely. That was his priority, and nothing would stand in the way of that. 

When Tyler was calm enough to stand, Josh stood with him, letting him lean on him. He hiccupped from his tears, and dried his eyes on his sweatshirt sleeve. Josh walked him to his car, and helped him into the passenger seat. “You’ll have to tell me where you live, but that’s it. If you don’t want to talk I won’t make you,” Josh said. He sat in the driver’s seat and looked at Tyler and sighed. Then he patted Tyler’s thigh, and started the car. 

They drove to the edge of the parking lot, and Tyler pointed to the left, signaling for Josh to turn that way. “I live on Denver Avenue. By the old soccer field.” Josh nodded in response, he knew exactly where that was, having played games there when he was younger. They drove in mostly silence, Josh’s radio played an old Sum 41 CD so quietly it was almost impossible to hear. Tyler was still sick to his stomach, but he looked over at Josh. Josh was focused on where he was going, leaning forward to read the street signs. Tyler thought hard about him. How much he adored him, but how little he even knew him. This boy had quit his job for Tyler, even though they’d only met once. It blew Tyler’s mind, it seemed almost like a movie. 

The boys pulled into the street, and were met with the horror of police lights flashing everywhere. The light bounced off the houses, off the street, off the trees. It taunted Tyler, screaming at him that this was all his fault. Josh pulled up on the side of the road and looked at Tyler. 

“You’ll be fine. I’m right here.” He reached over and rested his hand on Tyler’s, but Tyler stared straight ahead. 

Josh walked over the other side of the car to help Tyler out. He reached for Tyler’s hand to help him stand, and Tyler didn’t pull away. Even after they began walking towards the scene, Tyler held tightly onto Josh’s hand. He leaned on him, too, as if his legs couldn’t carry his own weight. 

Tyler’s mother stood outside of the house, and saw the boys coming. She ran to Tyler, tears streaming down her face and arms outstretched. Josh let go of Tyler’s hand, but Tyler gripped on in protest. His mother hugged both of them then, and Josh awkwardly stood still. Tyler was bombarded with questions, “Where have you been?” “What were you thinking?” but no one asked who Josh was. Not until he walked to the front door of the house, and the police questioned him. He explained the story, and then turned to go back to his car. 

“Wait…” Tyler said, reaching for Josh. 

Josh turned. “Yeah?”

“Please…Stay. You said I didn’t have to be alone.” 

“You’re not alone, Tyler, you’re with your family.” Josh said, gesturing towards the family outside the house. 

“But I want to be with you.” Tyler didn’t fight the words. He wanted to be with Josh and the only way that was going to happen was if he told him. 

“Well, then uh…If it’s alright with your parents, Ty…I’d like to be with you too.” Josh replied, looking up at Tyler’s parents. 

“Josh, you can stay whenever you’d like. You’re welcome here any time. Thank you for getting Tyler home safe.” Tyler’s mother said. 

The two boys smiled at each other, and Josh walked back towards him. Tyler reached his arms out and grabbed tightly onto Josh, and Josh held tightly back.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I post all of these before I edit them, so sometimes there's minor mistakes. I hope you're able to work through them. If there's any that are particularly difficult to read, please comment and let me know and I will go back and change them. This is my first time updating this fic in about a year.

Tyler laid on his bed, facing Josh, who sat on the floor sifting through Zack’s music collection. “Wow, so you like rap?” He said, tossing the disc cases aside and look up.   
“Well, my brother listens to it mostly. I don’t even really listen to anything.”   
“You don’t listen to music?” Josh looked appalled.   
“I do,” Tyler reassured. “Just not too often.”   
“We have to go to the record store and add to your collection.” Josh stood and stepped towards Tyler’s bed. Tyler rolled over to give him space. Josh laid down and pulled Tyler close.   
Tyler knew that in this moment he should have felt happy. He knew he should feel and overwhelming sense of, well, falling for Josh. But after the night and morning events, he lay numb, his head against Josh’s chest. Tyler had never been held like this, and he fumbled stupidly with his fingers on the comforter of the bed, not knowing what else to do with his hands. Josh slid his hand back and forth along Tyler’s back.   
Tyler closed his eyes and tried to live in the moment. “You’re with him,” he reminded himself. “You’re with the boy you can’t stop thinking about.” He kept telling himself it was happening, but still, as hard as he tried, he didn’t believe himself.   
They laid in stillness, until finally, Josh lifted his head to glance at Tyler. “Are you sure you’re okay?”   
Tyler didn’t reply right away. He stilled his hand from the fidgeting. “For now,” he said. His hand went back to twisting and twirling on the blankets.   
Time ticked by. Tyler laid, images forming on the insides of his eyelids, but he was not asleep. Josh stared at the ceiling. He held onto Tyler tightly. He feared that if he didn’t, Tyler might just fall apart. Tyler felt the same way, as if he were crumbling and the only thing keeping him from disintegrating was the arm thrown tightly around him. He wished that Josh could stay here forever, but he knew better. He still tried to trick himself. He pushed his body heavily into Josh’s torso. “You don’t ever, ever have to move,” he told himself. “You can stay here with him forever.” Once again, he didn’t believe himself.   
There was a knock at Tyler’s bedroom door. Tyler’s mother walked in, and didn’t seem phased by the scene before her. “There’s food downstairs. I made your brother a grilled cheese if you’d like one.” Tyler sat up and shook his head. Mrs. Joseph looked at Josh and raised her eyebrows in question. “Josh, how about you?”   
But Josh desired no food. He desired only to be with Tyler. “No thank you,” he said politely. Mrs. Joseph turned and left the room.   
Josh held on as Tyler twitched and fidgeted, falling asleep. Tyler felt the heat increase in his ears. He felt the muscles relax in his hands. He knew he was falling asleep and for once, he was not afraid. He knew Josh would keep him safe.   
Tyler dreamed he was in a lighted tunnel, on an empty highway, walking towards the lights of a city in the darkness of night. He saw no people, no cars. He could do anything, he could go anywhere, and there was no one to stop him. He imagined himself atop the highest skyscraper in the whole place, and suddenly, he was there. He looked out and submersed himself in the silence. No voices, no whispers, no thoughts of ending his life. He looked up at the night sky. The stars looked touchable. He let his body fall back onto the roof of the building, and watched the night sky. He thought nothing could possibly make him calmer, happier. Suddenly, Josh was there, holding onto Tyler’s hand and smiling at the stars. Tyler’s stomach filled with helium. He smiled wide and curled up against Josh. He closed his eyes.   
“Tyler, hey.”   
Tyler opened his eyes, and smiled at Josh.   
“Hey there,” Josh told him. Tyler picked up his hand and gave a slight wave. He hadn’t even realized he fell asleep. His eyes felt light, and he was fearless of his mind.   
“You know, I’m going to have to leave eventually.”   
Tyler’s chest sank into his stomach. His heartbeat slowed and thumped in his ears. Leave? Josh would have to leave? Tyler had blocked out the thought as long as he could.   
“Yeah… Yeah I know.” He spoke slowly and quietly and Josh could tell he didn’t want him to go.   
“I’m sorry.” Josh sighed.  
“No, don’t be sorry.” Tyler reassured. “I knew you’d have to leave, I just didn’t want to think about it,” he confessed.   
“I’ll come back. I don’t have a job now, I could come every day.”   
“But when I get out of school, you go into school. There would be no time.”   
“I go to school from 3-6 on Monday through Thursday. I could leave school and come directly here, even if I only stayed for an hour or two. And Fridays when you come home from school, I’ll be here.” 

**********************************************  
But Josh didn’t follow through. It wasn’t entirely his fault. Tyler had pulled away, stopped texting him. Josh feared he had done something wrong, and didn’t push Tyler to speak.   
The day after Tyler had caused mass panic and recuperated with Josh was a Thursday. Mr. Joseph climbed the stairs in the early morning, opened the door to his sons’ bedroom and gently woke them both for the day ahead. But Tyler didn’t get out of bed.   
All the other children gathered at the breakfast table and a worried Mrs. Joseph ascended the stairs. Tyler laid on his stomach, sprawled out with his limbs hanging off the edge of the bed.   
Mrs. Joseph tapped on the door. “Tyler, are you awake?” She called. She tip-toed into the room. She shook him slightly. “Come on, Ty,” she spoke softly.   
He turned his head and rubbed his eyes. “I don’t feel well,” he lied. He didn’t feel sick. He just felt drained. He didn’t want to get up, he was too tired, even though he hadn’t done anything to drain him of energy. He just didn’t have any.   
“Alright, honey.” She replied, and turned and let the room. 

 

**********************************************

 

It was near 2pm when Tyler awoke. He felt sick to his stomach. He had slept most of the day away. He turned on his phone and saw that Josh had texted him, but without opening it, he turned his phone back off and placed it on the night stand. He didn’t feel like talking. Not to his mom, not to his dad, not even to Josh. He thought food might alleviate his nausea, so he removed the blankets from atop his body and trudged down the stairs. His mother sat on the couch, talking on the phone. He slunk passed her and into the kitchen.   
That’s when he saw it. Out the window stood a figure. It was a man, but how he knew, he wasn’t sure. The figure’s face shifted and blurred. Its eyes burned. They were red and fiery.   
Tyler felt a chill stuck in his spine, a lump caught in his throat. Pure fear shook his body, the figure’s eyes were locked on him. It took a step forward. Tyler spun his body and ran through the house. He sped up the stairs. He could hear thumping behind him. It was chasing him, and it was fast. He slammed and locked his bedroom door. He ran to the window and pulled the curtains shut. He ran to the closet and closed himself inside.   
He was losing his mind. He was the definition of brainsick. Insane. He balled his hands into fists and swung them repeatedly at his own head. Tears stung his eyes and poured down his face. Waterfalls stained his hands, the salt burning his pores.   
Those crimson eyes.   
The way they targeted him, almost like they were starved and he was the only prey for miles. Did Tyler imagine the inauspicious grin? The gray teeth, sharper than knives? No, it wasn’t real, it couldn’t be real.   
Tyler shook. His tears caught in his throat and he choked. He wanted to scream. Would his mother hear him? What would she do? What would she think if he told her of the creature he’d seen? She’d send him away. No doubt about it, she’d put him in a hospital. Maybe that’s where he belonged. He was insane and now shadows were chasing him. But he couldn’t tell a soul.   
He laid on the floor of the closet, and slowly stopped shaking. But he couldn’t close his eyes. Every time he did he saw that….that thing. He straightened his legs as much as he could in the small closet, and began whispering his own poems to himself.   
Quietly singing, he forced his eyes shut, running images of his favorite things through his mind. He tried in anguish to keep the demon from his brain. He went through memories and dreamed of living a life free of his sickness. Before he fell asleep, he opened his eyes and looked towards the ceiling.   
“God, why’d this have to happen to me?”


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm working on making my chapters longer. I promise chapter 8 is like 3,000 words.

Tyler hadn’t seen the demon again. Several days had passed and he was beginning to relax. He hadn’t attended school since the week before and he hadn’t stayed awake more than 8 hours a day. He hadn’t even touched a basketball or piano in day. Things HAD gotten better, though. When he was awake, his mind felt a little clearer. He didn’t feel as afraid. But he knew it wouldn’t last. There was something heavy about the air, and he knew something was coming.  
He spent his Tuesday mostly in bed. When he woke up, he grabbed his phone out of habit. Like usual, he had messages. Some from Michael, some from Mark, and a couple from Josh. He hadn’t read any of them for many days. He sat staring at the screen, trying to convince himself to open the messages. It was like trying to convince himself to jump of a building, although that probably would have been easier.  
Finally, he viewed the messages. Michael was saying how worried he was. He threatened to call Tyler’s mom if he missed anymore school. Mark sent a frowning face and told him he missed him and hoped he was alright. And then there was Josh.   
“Are you okay?” read one message. “I’m sorry if I’ve done something,” read another. Tyler sighed, and laid back on his bed, holding his phone above his face. He hadn’t meant to make Josh feel like he’d done something wrong. He felt as though he were a burden, an unwanted weight on Josh’s shoulders. Josh wouldn’t want a sick, shattered and broken kid on his back. He wouldn’t want to feel like he was caring for Tyler. That wouldn’t be fair. Josh would get tired of him.   
He opened a new message. “I’m sorry, I’m okay. I just wanted to be alone,” he wrote. He sent it to Josh. He pulled his body back up and left his room. He stumbled down the hallway, to the bathroom, and pushed open the door.   
His eyes met themselves, He tried to pull them away. He tried to look at something else, but he couldn’t. He looked into his own soul and saw blackness. He hated his reflection. He hated himself.  
He heard his phone go off, and was able to pull his eyes from the mirror. Josh had sent him a message. “I’ve been worried about you.” Tyler read. He thought for a moment, trying to decide how to reply.  
“I want to see you.” He wrote. It was true, he wanted to be with Josh, and the only way he could think to tell him was to just come right out and say it. He washed his face in the sink, then left the bathroom. He returned to his room and laid in his bed on his side, holding his phone so he would clearly see when he received a message.   
Soon, he had. He opened it in a heartbeat. “Are you in school?” Josh had asked.  
Tyler didn’t want to admit that he hadn’t been to school in nearly a week so he sent a simple “No,” and waited in silence. He stared down at his phone, solicitous for a reply.   
“I’m on my way.” Josh wrote. Tyler was taken by surprise. He was nowhere near ready. He jumped up, grabbed fresh clothes from his dresser and ran to shower.  
Tyler didn’t know where Josh lived. And he could be to Tyler’s house at any minute. Tyler rushed to wash his hair and scrub himself clean. He was going so quickly that he nearly slipped when stepping out of the shower. He threw on his clothes and ran a comb though his hair.   
By the time he’d made it back to his room, Josh’s car had pulled into the driveway. Tyler dashed down the stairs to open the front door. He watched Josh walk up the front pathway, struggling to get his keys into his pocket. Tyler opened the door, smiling wide, and tried to hide the redness in his cheeks.   
“I missed you, you tiny, skinny, little bean!” Josh yelled, squeezing Tyler tight. So tight, in fact, Tyler’s breath caught in his chest and he struggled to inhale.   
“Tyler wiggled. “I….Can’t…” he stammered out. Josh released him and pulled away.   
“Sorry,” he laughed.   
Tyler launched himself into the sound of Josh’s laugh. He could let himself drown in it. He never wanted to let the sound go. He caught himself zoning out of reality. He shook his head and brought himself back. He closed the door behind Josh and led him upstairs. The two boys sat down on Tyler’s bed.   
“So, why didn’t you go to school?” Josh asked.  
Tyler didn’t want to tell Josh about his avoidance. He didn’t want him to know that all he did was sleep. But he didn’t want to lie. “I haven’t gone in like, a week.” He said, looking away. Josh’s eyes widened slightly. “I’ve just been too tired. I haven’t really left my room.”  
Josh ran his fingers through Tyler’s wet hair. He pulled Tyler’s head to his chest and leaned back onto the bed.  
“I’m worried about you, Tyguy.” Josh said.   
“Tyguy?”   
“I just thought of it. Do you like it?” He laughed.  
Tyler smiled. “Yeah, yeah, it’s good.”   
Tyler swung his arm across Josh’s torso, and kept his head against his chest. Josh played with Tyler’s hair, flicking water about. Droplets soared through the air and scattered on Tyler’s neck. He played an invisible piano on Josh’s ribs.   
“Josh, I want to tell you something, but I’m scared you’ll think I’m crazy.” Tyler had thought for some time about telling Josh about the creature he had seen.   
“Why would I think you’re crazy?” He asked.   
“I…I was going into the kitchen the other day, and out the window I saw a man. Well, not really a man, it was all black, with red eyes, and a blurred face that kept shifting and contorting. It ran towards me. It chased me to my room. I locked it out and hid in my closet. I have no idea if it’s even real. I haven’t seen it since.” He didn’t look at Josh. He was afraid. Maybe Josh would never want to talk to him again. Maybe he’d think he was insane.  
“I don’t think you’re crazy.” Josh brought Tyler’s hand up to his mouth and kissed it.   
“You don’t?” Tyler sure thought he was crazy. So crazy he believed he may just be hearing what he wanted to hear, and not what Josh was really telling him.   
“No, Tyler. I don’t think you’re crazy. I think you’re sick, and you’re going to get better. I will be here through this.”   
Josh had reassured Tyler a million times that he would be there for him, but Tyler wasn’t sure he could believe him. If Josh knew what ran through Tyler’s mind, he’d probably run and hide. 

**********************************************

When Josh had left, Tyler crawled into his bed and pulled the covers over his head. He sighed and closed his eyes. Minutes passed and silence surrounded him, but it would be short lived.   
“Tyler.” A deep voice croaked from the doorway. Tyler removed the covers from his head and looked around the room. He could feel adrenaline moving up his spine. No one was there.   
“Tyler.” He heard it again, closer than before. It was harsh and raspy. Tyler felt pressure behind his eyes, he wanted to cry.   
“Tylerrr.” It was directly behind his ear at the side of his bed, and it dragged out the last letter of his name. Tyler yelped and jumped from his bed. No one was behind him. He heard a pounding in the walls. It started directly above Tyler’s nightstand. He placed his hand on the cold, white wall. And then it began.   
The house shook as banging thundered through the walls. It was as if 1,000 hands were repeatedly beating their fists into the home.   
Tyler slapped his hands onto his ears and tightly closed his eyes. He wanted to scream but the air stuck in his lungs. He fell to his knees, crying. His body began to tremble. He sat shaking until the noise had stopped, almost as suddenly as it had begun. Tyler removed his hands from his ears and opened his eyes to look around the room. In the corner, closest to Tyler’s bed, stood the black figure with the red eyes and shifting face. Its mouth spun into a grin. “Can you see me?” it asked, in its horrifying, low voice.   
Tyler nodded in reply. The figure took a step towards him. “I can kill you,” it spoke. “I can kill you, and everyone you know.” The room began to spin around Tyler. He tried to grip onto the bed to keep himself from being flung around the swirling room. The figure grew bigger and loomed over Tyler.   
“I will never leave you alone!” It yelled.   
And then, it ended. The room stilled and the figure disappeared.   
Tyler felt all of his energy leave his body. He felt as if the man with the blurry face had pulled it all from him. He laid on the floor, unsure of what to do. It had felt so real, but he tried to convince himself it wasn’t. Tears flowed from his eyes and he pulled his body into a ball.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There might need to be a trigger warning on this chapter? Uh it talks about suicide. If you think there needs to be more warnings please comment and tell me. I'm working on making longer chapters. This one was 3,270. Comment and tell me if you like the longer ones like this or if 1,500 is better. I prefer 3,000?

Tyler had spent the last 3 days confined in his room. He was trying to avoid his family as much as possible. He was losing his mind and didn’t want them to know. When his brother was in their room, he stayed silent and forced himself to ignore the voices and shadows around him.   
He slept most of the time, he didn’t feel like doing anything else. He laid in bed, and even if he wasn’t tired, he took advantage of the blurred man’s silence. But in the night, all he heard was noise. Screams and cries. He heard the dark creature yelling. Yelling at him to do things. To hurt himself, because who was he but a worthless little waste? What kind of important, valid human being did he think he was? Tyler was nothing and he knew it. This creature was above him, and could destroy him in an instant.   
Tyler only seemed to leave his bedroom at night to use the bathroom, and even then, the noises followed him. Tyler often thought about Josh at night; it seemed to keep the noises at bay. It didn’t make it stop, and it didn’t keep it away forever, but it did keep him calmer.   
Would Josh be able to keep it away if he was here? Could he save Tyler from himself? It was worth a shot, wasn’t it? Later that day, Tyler decided to text him.   
“Hey…Happy weekend.” He wrote. Then he held his phone in his hand, and curled up in his bed.   
Soon his phone was buzzing wildly. Josh was calling him. He answered, and Josh instantly began talking. “Hey! Tyler! Just the guy I was looking for! Now tell me, why is it that I’ve seen your house, and met your family, but you have never met mine? I wanted to show you something cool. Can I pick you up? You’ll spend the night at my house? It’ll be fun I promise.”   
He talked quickly and excitedly. Tyler strained to understand him. When he had finally stopped talking, there was a silence, as if Tyler was waiting for him to continue. “Well?” Josh pressured.   
“Oh, yeah. Yeah I’d like to come over. Let me ask my mom.” Tyler replied. He stood from his bed and sluggishly ventured down the stairs. His mom sat in front of the TV intently watching a game show.   
“Hey, mom?” Tyler held his phone in front of himself, as if to advertise he was on it. “Josh wants me to spend the night at his house. He said he’d pick me up, I just wanted to ask you if I could go.”   
Mrs. Joseph turned to face her son. “I don’t mind if you go, just remember to bring everything you need. That includes your medication.” She reminded him.   
Tyler brought the phone back to his ear. “Yeah, when will you be here?”  
“I can come any time. How long will it take you to get ready?” Josh asked.   
“Don’t know. I have to shower, pack a bag. Maybe 45 minutes?”  
“I’ll see you in an hour.” And with that, Josh hung up the phone.   
Tyler rushed up the stairs, grabbed a change of clothes from his room, and made haste to the bathroom to shower. There, he let the warm water soak over him. It streamed down his face in waterfalls that fell to the floor with a noisy snap. He closed his eyes and tried to imagine what Josh’s house might look like, what his family be like. He didn’t know much about Josh, now that he thought about it. Did he live with both parents? Did he have any brothers? Sisters? Pets? Tyler imagined many scenarios. They were endless. He could have 16 brothers, or none. Maybe 3 sisters, or maybe he lived with an aunt. Tyler continued to think.   
He stepped out of the shower, dried himself, and dressed. He ran to his room and dumped his backpack (which hadn’t been touched in a week or two) out on his bed. Then, he filled it with a change of clothes, his toiletries, and his medications. He’d gotten off the phone about a half an hour ago. He would be waiting another 15 minutes for Josh. He sat anxiously on the front porch and watched any and all cars go by.   
10 minutes passed and a slightly beat up white sedan pulled into the driveway. Josh smiled at Tyler from the driver’s seat. Tyler grabbed his bag and slung it over his shoulder. He walked to Josh’s car and got into the passenger seat.   
“Hello, beautiful boy,” Josh said brightly.  
Tyler smiled and looked away to hide his face. “Hey,” he laughed.  
Josh slid his hand across Tyler’s head. “Your hair is always wet when I see you.”   
“I always shower before I see you,” Tyler replied.   
“Ohhh.” Josh exclaimed. “Who’re you trying to impress?” Josh smirked.   
Tyler smiled and looked down at his hands, “You,” he whispered.   
“Tyler you could step outside in tattered clothes, covered in dirt, with your hair sticking up and looking like you haven’t slept in weeks, and I’d still think you were the cutest thing I’ve ever seen.”  
Tyler stopped. He looked at Josh. “Why…Why do you like me? Why do you like me at all?”   
Josh kept his eyes on the road. “When I first saw you, I thought you were the most gorgeous little thing I’d ever seen. And then I talked to you, and you happened to like the same things as me.” He looked over for a second before looking back to the road, a smile on his face. “And I thought I’d better hurry up and steal you before something else happened.” He finished.   
“What else would have happened?” Tyler asked curiously.   
“Well I found you sleeping on a bench, unsure of what had really happened, and I found out that day you were a little sick. I know what that’s like.” He slowed. “I know what it’s like to want to take your own life and I knew you needed someone. Someone to help keep you standing.” He swallowed hard. Tyler observed how emotional he’d looked, and didn’t press the matter any further.   
They continued a ways down the road before pulling onto a wide, unpaved hidden drive. Then, Josh pulled the car into a short, cement driveway that led to a small, one car garage that was attached to a two story, half brick, half wood siding house. The red bricks stood out against the light blue of the rest of the house. The porch had a roof overhang above it, and two wooden chairs situated in front of a covered window at the right of the front door.   
Josh turned off the car and got out. He ran to the passenger side and opened the door for Tyler. Then he began to speak quickly and excitedly again. “So my mom is kind of uptight, but she’s nice so don’t worry about it too much. And my dad is more laidback but if you make him mad he turns into a monster. But he’s only really home at night, so you don’t have to worry about that either. I have two sisters. Ashley is 16 and she’s crazy about boys and she’ll probably try and spend time with us if she thinks you’re cute. My little brother and youngest sister are 10 and 12 and they are always off doing their own thing together. But they’re loud and sometimes annoying, you just have to learn to ignore them.”   
By the time Josh had finished talking, they had reached the front door and were about to walk inside. Tyler swallowed and tried to ignore the anxiety building in his stomach and chest. When he stepped inside he was welcomed by Josh’s mother, a short woman with shoulder length hair that curled at the bottom. She smiled kindly and introduced herself as Mrs. Dun. Then he followed Josh upstairs to his bedroom.   
The walls of the room were red. Tyler observed that much of Josh’s house was red. Josh sat down on his bed, which was pressed against the wall farthest from the door. He patted his hand against the bed, signaling for Tyler to sit down. Tyler sat next to Josh who was putting his phone on the nightstand, and pulling the pillows from the top of the bed to against the wall. He sat back against them. Tyler followed. Tyler looked around the room. Light shined in through the window, revealing torn and empty food wrappers and empty water bottles that were strewn around the room. Still, the room didn’t look messy.   
Josh put his hand on Tyler’s thigh and smiled, “How have you been?” He asked.   
“Not so good, but it’s cool.” Tyler admitted.   
“No, no. What’s been going on?” Josh pressed.   
“I’ve just…I’m being tormented. I can’t sleep at night. He’s always there. The man with the blurry face. He never leaves. He’s always yelling. Always trying to tell me I’m nothing. Always trying to get me to do things.” Tyler looked straight ahead while he talked, scared to look at Josh.   
“What does he say, exactly?”   
“He warns me that he could kill me and everyone I know. He tells me if I don’t listen to him he’ll take the person I love the most. That’s my mom. I don’t want him to take my mom. He tells me I have to listen. So I guess I have no other choice.”   
“But you know you don’t have to listen. He isn’t real.”   
“I keep trying to tell myself that, but it’s hard.”   
“I’m sure it is, Ty, but you can’t let him control you. He isn’t real.” Josh reassured.   
“He looks so real. He sounds so real. How do I know he can’t actually do something?”   
“I know Tyler, but he can’t hurt you. Tyler, let him know you won’t listen to him.” Josh looked into Tyler’s eyes. They lay focused on the floor of the bedroom, chocolate brown and glazed.   
“He’s terrifying, Josh. His eyes, his grin, his voice. There’s no way I’d be able to stand up to him, and I think you know that.” Tyler looked up at Josh.   
“No, I don’t. I believe in you, and I believe you’re stronger than Mr. Blurryface. He doesn’t control you. You can take him down.”   
“How can you be so sure? Josh I hate to be the bearer of bad news but you barely know me.” Tyler looked away again.   
“True, very true.” Josh looked down at the bed. “But I know someone who’s been through something similar and fought their way out of it.” Josh sighed.   
Tyler once again got the feeling that Josh didn’t want to be pressed. He decided to change the subject. “So, you said you plays drums?” He asked.   
“Yeah. They’re downstairs, in the basement.”   
“Can I see?” Tyler pressed.   
Josh laughed, realizing what Tyler was hinting at. “Yeah, yeah.” He pushed himself up and pulled Tyler into a standing position by the hand. He didn’t let go, pulling Tyler down the stairs and to the kitchen, where he opened a door to reveal another flight of stairs. Josh held tightly onto Tyler’s hand, and pulled him after himself.   
At the bottom of the stairs, the two took a right, and the room opened up wide, yet cozy. The wall to the left was furnished with a couch and two end tables that sat in front of a large television screen. Further back into the room stood a shelf filled with old encyclopedias and books on business. To the right of that sat a gorgeous, matte red drum set. It held 4 pieces, a hihat and two other cymbals. However, Tyler’s eyes fell elsewhere. The beautiful kit was nothing in comparison to the large and gleaming grand piano.  
Tyler stepped forward, pulling his hand out of Josh’s. His mouth opened, his jaw slowly falling to the floor. Joh watched as Tyler sat at the instrument and promptly played a chord, its notes echoing off the hollow walls of the basement. Tyler continued to press down keys, experimenting with sound. Josh kept his eyes on the boy, but found his way behind the drums to sit and enjoy the music.   
Tyler felt words flowing to the tip of his tongue, expressions of his fear and insecurity. He kept quiet, his words were his, not ready to share. He pressed down 3 more keys, forming an uplifting major chord, then let his fingers trail off before pulling his hand away.   
Josh joking clapped his hands, mocking an audience. “That was good,” he said, smiling wide.   
Tyler’s face grew warm. He’d never played any music for anyone but family, and even then it was just random chords on a piano or ukulele. He nervously chucked and looked at the ground to hide the look on his face. “It’s your turn, now. Play something for me,” he laughed.   
“Alright,” Josh agreed and picked up the drum sticks which rested on the drumhead of the floor tom. He began with a basic beat, using the hihat, snare and kick, and incorporated in little fills here and there. He played on and on until beads of sweat formed along his hairline and slid down along his temples.   
Tyler watched intently, observing the faces that Josh made when trying hard to hit the right drum. He could have sworn he saw light radiating off Josh, a light like happiness. It was contagious and Tyler couldn’t help but feel content, too.   
Josh finished with a loud crash of cymbals and threw his drumsticks to the floor. Tyler jokingly clapped. “That was fantastic, Josh!”   
“You think?” Josh wiped the sweat from his forehead.   
“Yes! I loved it!” Tyler stood from where he’d sat himself on the floor. Josh walked forward and wrapped his arms around Tyler.   
“You’re too precious.” He said, messing up Tyler’s hair.   
“And you’re too sweaty,” Tyler laughed, wiggling free of Josh’s grip.   
Dinner came and Josh’s family crowded into the dining room. Josh sat Tyler next to him at the end of the table. The family bombarded Tyler with questions in an effort to get to know him better. Tyler nervously told them about his school and his family and house he enjoyed music and basketball.   
After dinner, Tyler followed Josh back upstairs to his bedroom, where they both laid on the bed in each other’s arms until the night turned dark and the stars and moon became the only source of light. Josh pulled himself up to sit against the wall, Tyler’s head slid from his chest to his lap. Tyler’s tired and heavy eyelids fluttered. “Tyler, I want to show you something.”   
Tyler rubbed his eyes and sat up. “What is it?” He looked around the darkened room. Osh prompted Tyler to stand. Tyler stood, spread out his arms, and stretched his body. Josh stood up after him and leaned towards the window. He unlocked it and slid it open. Tyler cocked his head in question.   
Josh straightened his back and waved his hand towards the window. Tyler raised his eyebrows. “You want me to climb out the window?” Tyler asked, almost not believing Josh.   
“Yeah, climb out onto the roof and then go to the roof of the garage. I’ll follow right after you.”   
Tyler hesitated. “Uhh, okay.” Then he climbed on top of Josh’s nightstand and crawled out the open window on all fours. Clean air struck his nostrils and he breathed in deep. Something about the cold night air seemed fresher. Tyler stood and carefully walked to the garage roof, his arms out for balance. He heard Josh step out onto the roof behind him.   
When they both stood together on the roof, Josh slowly eased his body down into a sitting position. Then, he laid his back against the roof and stared up at Tyler. Tyler looked out over the street and felt like a king being level with the trees. He blinked back to reality and worked his way down to lay against the roof with Josh.   
The two laid in silence for a few minutes until Josh moved closer to Tyler, and laid on his side to face him. “You probably wouldn’t want me to lie to you, huh?”   
Tyler turned to face Josh, “No, please do.” Tyler replied sarcastically.   
“I may have just wanted to get you alone under the stars.” Josh looked back at the sky. Tyler studied him in silence. Josh raised his arm and pointed to the sky. “You can see Mars and Venus from here.” Tyler turned and looked, but couldn’t quite see where Josh was pointing. Josh turned back to face Tyler. “I used to climb out here when I was having a hard time. It got me through some of the worst parts of my life. It really helps to just come out here and….Think. I thought maybe it would be helpful to you.”   
Tyler thought it was good Josh wanted to help him, but part of him couldn’t help feeling almost offended. Josh didn’t know him, Josh couldn’t sit there and pretend he knew half of what Tyler was going through. Tyler had seen hell, Josh couldn’t just talk about it like it was simply a rough day. Tyler could feel himself getting angry.   
“How do you know anything about what I’m going through?” Tyler snapped.   
Josh was thoroughly taken aback by Tyler’s reaction. “I…I don’t. I never said I did.” Josh put his hands up and calmed Tyler down. “I have my own share of issues. I just don’t talk about them. Life used to be a lot harder for me. The kids in school, they never really liked me. In fact, many of them seemed to know I was gay before I did. I stopped going to school and I locked myself in my room. After a few weeks I started to feel the pressure of not going to school. I went into the closet and tied a noose. I wrapped it around my neck and I knocked a laundry basket out from under my feet. I almost instantly knew that dying was not what I really wanted to do. I thought about my mom, my sisters, my brother.” He looked Tyler in the eyes and swallowed hard. “I struggled against the rope as hard as I could. In the end it wasn’t the rope that broke. It was the rod in the closet that snapped. Sending me crashing to the ground. The noise alerted my parents who called an ambulance. I was only 14.”   
Tyler felt his heart grow heavy and sink into his stomach. The two sat quietly until Tyler could build up the courage to speak. “I’m sorry,” he spoke softly. Josh nodded in reply. “I just…I didn’t think about it. I was being self-absorbed.” Tyler admitted.   
“Its fine, Tyler,” Josh reassured. “I want to help you, because I like you, and I don’t want to lose you to yourself. I will always be here and you know that.” Josh felt the mood weighing on the two of them. “Plus when you’re better I want to make you mine,” Josh said confidently.   
“Wait…What?”   
“Nothing,” Josh laughed. He smiled wide and pulled Tyler closer to him. Tyler didn’t fight it. On the roof of Josh’s garage, wrapped in his arms, Tyler smiled and felt weightless in the world. The once two ton weights around his ankles now seemed to have broken away, dragging the blurry faced demon with them.


End file.
